6 Tips for Connecting With or Without a Valentine
The love-centric holiday of Valentine’s Day can be heart-filling from connections or heart-wrenching from loneliness. For some the heart-shaped chocolates and teddy bears can be reminders of their isolation. We are here to help!
The members at Havenly Counseling Collective have tips for building connections when experiencing loneliness and how (if at all) they celebrate February 14th!
1. Take Yourself Out + Be ‘High Maintenance’
Melinda (Inviterra Counseling) says,
As an enneagram 2, I’m always on the search for connection with others. I constantly go outside of myself. The one connection that I neglect with a comedic regularity is the one I have with myself.
So my tip? If you’re a people pleaser, if you’re constantly wondering how to be something for others, then seek out building a connection with yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Surround yourself in soft blankets and read a favorite book. Pull out a journal and interview yourself. I think that finding connecting with myself is my own great life love story. Maybe it’s yours too.
I used to tell my significant others that I “didn’t care about Valentine’s Day” in an attempt to be “low maintenance” and “not shallow”. But you know what? As a growing Enneagram 2, I’m going to admit that I’m fucking tired of making myself more “appealing” to people. The truth is that I want ALL THE THINGS for Valentine’s. So this year I will ask for the flowers. The love notes. The chocolate. The whole shabang. And that’s how I intend to celebrate. I’m going to be more “high maintenance”, and people can just deal with it.
2. Grab a Weighted Blanket
Joanne (OliveMe Counseling) says,
Sometimes loneliness can feel like you're floating off in the middle of space, untethered to anything and anyone, even disconnected from your own body. To help yourself re-anchor yourself, get a weighted blanket, pillow, or stuffed animal and bundle yourself in it. The sensation of being "held" doesn't always have to come from someone else - sometimes it could just be a tactile, physical sensation that can help us reconnect with ourselves.
Korean tradition has an unofficial holiday on March 14 for the person who received Valentines on Feb 14 to reciprocate romantic gestures to the giver. April 14 is the holiday for those who didn't have any Valentines to commiserate (or celebrate) their singlehood by getting jjajangmyun (black bean noodles). My partner and I celebrate Valentine's Day by getting jjajangmyun - mostly because those restaurants are likely to be freer than other bougie, romantic ones.
3. Acknowledge It + Celebrate Your Gals
Morgan (Morgan Hancock Therapy) says,
Sometimes loneliness can creep up on us, and it happens when we are disconnected from ourselves. We can distract ourselves from it by going on our phones or staying busy at work.
My tip is to acknowledge that you have needs and make space in your life to let people in.
I celebrate Galentine's Day instead. :)
4. Notice the Obstacles + Be Cozy at Home
Lorren (Lorren Siu Counseling) says,
Sometimes a good place to start when experiencing loneliness is to notice what is getting in the way of you feeling more connected. Have you simply been too busy to make time to hang out with the people you love, or maybe even take care of yourself? Have you withdrawn from your friends because something is making it painful to interact with them right now? Noticing what is getting in the way is not about shaming yourself, but about having compassion. Once you understand what has been stopping you, you can decide when you are ready to find a way forward.
As an HSP, going to crowded restaurants is not my thing. Luckily, my husband feels the same way. Instead of fighting the crowds, we spend the evening at home cooking a nice meal together. He also knows I am a sucker for fresh flowers and chocolate, so he will usually surprise me with some that day.
5. Shared Activity + Loved Ones and Good Food
Josephine (Josephine Suh LCSW) says,
If you're in a season of life where traditional forms of addressing loneliness are not available, consider connecting with other humans over a shared purpose or activity, hopefully one that takes you out of your comfort zone a little.
Take an improv class where everyone is making a fool of themselves and having fun doing it, or volunteer to work with young people who are facing an unfair share of obstacles in their life. The creative arts can also be helpful in this area - write a blog post about your feelings, create and listen to a playlist that captures your emotions, buy a canvas and paint what you're feeling in the moment, or dance. it. out!
Each Valentine's Day has been different for me, depending on my life situation and social landscape. I'm also not a big sweets person, so I don't get excited about Valentine's Day treats. This year, it will probably be something cozy with loved ones and good food. :)
6. Be In Nature + Making a Meal Together
Kristen (KristenHannahMFT) says,
When I feel lonely, it can often be an indicator that I’m feeling detached from myself. I notice this when I’m surrounded by people, but don’t feel like it’s ever enough quality time with them to “fill me up”. One thing that helps me reconnect with myself and move from loneliness to connection is going somewhere beautiful and peaceful (like a hike or the ocean) and just letting myself be. I observe my thoughts and feelings and get clear on how I’m doing and what I need. It’s great because when I’m with myself, the loneliness lifts AND I am able to connect with others in a way that feels fulfilling.
I’m not a big fan of the holiday, but it is a great excuse to treat myself and my husband to something fun and fancy. We have young kids, so we are typically in for the evening. After the kids go to bed, we open a nice bottle of wine and/or make a fancy meal to enjoy over candle light.
Need help with stress?
Learn more about all our therapists, or reach out directly below and get the care you need! Here are what each therapist specializes in:
Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling)
Helping Millenials + Gen-Z’s learn to love themselves deeply using the Enneagram & Brainspotting
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling)
Helping BIG Feelers create relationships where they matter, too using the Enneagram + Brainspotting
Lorren Siu
Helping Highly Sensitive Persons heal from attachment trauma and anxiety (Brainspotting)
Morgan Hancock
Helping High-achieving and People Pleasing Women & Athletes who are struggling with overwhelming anxiety, relationships, identity, and spiritual issues.
Bobbi Kyle Gutierrez (Elder Emo Therapy)
Helping young adults, couples, and teens make wiser decisions that actually move them closer to where they want to be, rather than being sucked into emotionally messy situations.
Josephine Suh
I specialize in the mental health issues you feel deep in your bones: grief, trauma, panic, depression, existential crises, loneliness and sudden explosions of emotion. I also have experience treating conditions where you don't feel much at all: dissociation, depersonalization, derealization, and emotional numbing.
I know all too well how much burnout plagues therapists and I want to help you protect yourself from it while also learning how to manage your money, so you can work smarter not harder.